My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
