Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
