His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
