my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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