the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need to align my fucking chakras
the raccoons are back...
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