yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize