my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
