She said her name was "party"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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