Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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