Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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