I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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