hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize