You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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