Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
