it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
