i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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