Whatcha textin bout Willis?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
