Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
