im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
