trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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