I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
