Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
