dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I want her autograph on my taint
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
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