I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize