you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
