i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
