i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize