So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
