My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
