Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
