she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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