Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize