Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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