Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
