rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
