are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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