you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
