I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
