Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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