Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
