So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You left your underwear on the fireplace
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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