I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
