dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
