i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
