It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize