Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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