Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
