One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
