I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
