I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize