Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
