Your face is a jimmy john
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
