So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
