Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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