I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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