moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
