She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
