I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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