You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize