So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
